You suck. But enough about you.
Creative people care so very much what others think of them. They ask, "Is it any good?" and then wait not just for what you say but for how you say it. It's not enough to be effusive in your praise. Were you sincere? Really? And does the fact that you say you like it mean your opinion isn't worth listening to? Are you Paula Abdul? Or Simon Cowell? Is there a 'But..." lurking in your praise? If you give constructive advice. is it personal? Are you saying I, as well as my work, suck?
(Sure, there are the rare, apparent exceptions who don't give a good god-damn what anyone else says, but I suspect that they too are motivated by the perceptions of others -- they just hide it better.)
Sometimes, others' verdicts are integral to what you're making.
In my business, the success of an idea is entirely decided by what someone else decides it's worth. Does the client think it's good? Does the consumer think it's good? Does my boss like it? Do my peers? Award show judges? Et cetera.
If I was showing my work in a gallery, the dealers', critics' and patrons' opinions would make or break me. If I act in a show, a review could take bread off my table. Some person I've never met at the New York Times could devastate my next book.
When I draw in public, a passerby might possibly be sneering, even if just to himself, at my presumption at being 'an artist' while scrawling in my sketchbook. If I yank the page out of my book, I must be careful to tear it up so no one piece sit back together and scoffs. I shred the peces small so no one thinks that I myself don't know how much it sucks: Sure , I can't draw, but at least I have the taste and judgement to know it. Or, maybe I'll leave it in my book but write a long essay next to it about how bad it is, like a reminder and a slap in the head not to do such crap again. If anyone sees it, well, they'll read my notation and know I know better.
Do you go through this? So did I, until I discovered a little fact, that boils down to this: by and large, no one cares about anyone else but themselves. I don't mean that we're all hateful and selfish, just that we're almost always wrapped up in our own issues and can't much be bothered with anyone elses's actions, except as to how they pertain to us.
Doubt me? Prove it to yourself. Start a conversation with anyone and see how long it takes them to steer the conversation back to themselves:
"I love your shirt.
"Thanks. It's new.
"Really? I can never wear pink.
"I didn't think I could either...
"But you look great in it. Where'd you get it? Loehman's?
"No, I ...
"I love Loehman's. When I can find stuff that fits me.
"Huh.
"Yeah, I must have gained ten pounds since Christmas...
Try listening instead of talking and see how long the other person will talk about themselves. Be prepared to wait because virtually anyone, if given the stage, will hold on to it eternally.
"What are you doing?"
"Drawing"
"I can't draw a straight line. Even as a kid, I never could. You're great. You must have taken a lot of lesssons.
"No, not really.
"Well, I just have no talent. I used to play the guitar but you know, who has the time. I'm so busy at work since I got that promotion...
Sound familiar? A couple of years ago, I gave a colleague, a 'creative' person, a copy of Everyday Matters. A month later, he hadn't said anything about it so I asked him what he'd thought of it. He said,
"Yeah, it was great. You have that stuff in there about Wales and my father's from Wales so I thought it was interesting."
"Wales, really?"
Yeah."
I waited for more but that was it.Wales. Sigh.
I'm not talking about hard-core self-involved people, mega-bores. I mean everyone, including me (goes without saying, I hope) spends most of their time thinking about thememselves or how what others are doing affects them.
Put simply: no one is nearly as interested in what you do as you are. No one is judging it as hard as you, or analysing it, or wondering about it. The only time they really get involved is when your success or failure could effect them. Will looking at your work entertain or divert them for a moment (oh, your drawing sucks, never mind then) If you draw and they don't are they less than you? WIll your work make theirs look worse? Will it make them money? Can they use your technique to improve their work? WiIll praising you oblige you to them?
Seriously, what other motives do they have? And are those sufficient reasons for your to be concerned? Are these sorts of opinions what drive your work? Are you making art so others can make money or feel better about their own abilities (or worse)?
Think about it: we all, even Brad Pitt or George Bush, occupy a tiny percentage of any other given person's interest, That's why some of us are interested in achieving fame: because it takes all those tiny percentages and multiplies them across millions of people. Eventually that adds up to something.
And because we are all, at best, living in our own self-reflecting bubbles, you should relax and do what you want. Stop caring so much about externals. Make what you like in the way that you do. Sure, maybe you'll manage to be a blip on someone else's radar, but that's not why you bother. Live and make art for the only person that matters or truly cares.
These thoughts have come to me while editing a monstrously long conversation with New York artist Tom Kane. A conversation so long I have chopped it into two consecutive podcast episodes.
Listen to the new podcasts and see what you think.
Or don't. I'm trying not to care.
A record of my exploration into all aspects of drawing, illustrated journaling, creativity, and the inspiring aspects of art. By the author of "Everyday Matters," "The Creative License", and "An Illustrated Life" and other books.
Comments
Whoa, man, this is a great one. Ooops, not that I'm trying to validate you or that you care. But anyway, a great column. Thanks for sharing Tom Kane's link. His work really rocks.
Posted by: TomD. | April 22, 2006 07:49 PM
Loved this topic and it reflects my feelings about our self-absorbed society. If people aren't talking about themselves, they aren't talking. Look forward to more of your thoughts!
Posted by: Laura | April 22, 2006 08:01 PM
Wow, Danny...sounds like you've had a tough day. Did someone say something? Was it me? Go right now and just do something in your sketchbook. You'll feel a lot better!
Posted by: Rita Cleary | April 22, 2006 08:14 PM
I love it. I absolutely love it. I mean, I get so caught up wondering what people are thinking about me sometimes... ( See how I turned my compliment back around to talk about myself?) :)
Posted by: kristine | April 22, 2006 09:32 PM
Beautifully and accurately put. And because it is so very universal I'm (that's ME)linking to this on my (me, again) weblog to share.
Posted by: susan | April 23, 2006 06:42 AM
On that subject, one of my favourite quotes, by Cynthia Nelms:
"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy."
Posted by: Janet Barclay | April 23, 2006 07:43 AM
I'll just turn these thoughts to moi (to prove your point). I used to tremble when I got out on the dance floor. A dancing partner told me -- no one is looking at you, so loosen up. I did and after a few years became so good out there that the other dancers would circle around and watch me (John Travolta-like situation). I LOVED the attention then.
Posted by: Doris | April 23, 2006 09:50 AM
Great post! You have pointed out what I constantly think about in almost every conversation that I have with others-how to not start talking about myself, and then cursing myself when I inevitably do.
Posted by: Tracy Helgeson | April 23, 2006 10:26 AM
Danny, this post is so true. I'm a formerly shy person and used this tactic to survive many a party: ask a stranger a question and listen to his/her wind-up talk box!
Here's a big cyber hug to you and to Tom Kane. I appreciate your work too and Tom's honesty. You guys made art magic.Pleeeeeaaaaassssees, someone help Danny with the pod stuff!
Posted by: linday | April 23, 2006 10:36 AM
Once again Danny your message came at a great time and reminded me of something I discovered awhile back but keep forgetting. You're great!
Posted by: Dee | April 23, 2006 10:38 AM
You are such a hoot! (Not that you care...!!!) Your cheerfully hopeful cynicism is both comforting and inspiring! Keep it up!
Posted by: Sarah E. | April 23, 2006 11:02 AM
I believe it was psychobiologist Dr. Daniel Amen who mentioned a rule called the 20-40-60
rule--at 20 you worry about what people think of you, at 40 you don't care what people think of you...and at 60, you realize they weren't thinking of you at all.
Posted by: Bill Schmalzer | April 23, 2006 07:27 PM
Thanks Danny. It was suggested once in my younger days, to try to get through the day without using the word "I". Difficult but not impossible. This will be in my self talk each day. Thanks again.
Posted by: Robin Neudorfer | April 23, 2006 09:11 PM
Hi Danny, I've recently discovered your website (and I love it), and I'm using your book Creative License (and I love it too!) to get me started in drawing. I really enjoyed your first podcast, but for some reason I can't access the second one. I'm in London, so perhaps that's related. Has anyone else mentioned this problem?
Posted by: Collin | April 24, 2006 02:58 AM
Can't access the podcast either.
Posted by: Avrum68 | April 24, 2006 10:15 AM
Sorry, try it now. I have fixed the link to:
http://dannygregory.libsyn.com/
Your pal,
Danny
Posted by: danny Gregory | April 24, 2006 10:19 AM
Danny,
The podcasts are quite a treasure. I hope you will continue to do them.
Posted by: kristine | April 24, 2006 01:13 PM
This is so accurate! I guess it's only human to try and relate and finding something in common or a similar feeling or situation to talk about is a way of doing this. I was really struck by how little confidence Tom Kane has as he seems outwardly successful - it happens to the best, what hope for the rest of us?!
Posted by: Felicity | April 24, 2006 03:23 PM
I came here via a link from a friend, and now know why she recommends you so highly. You remind me of something I'd forgotten, and I am again inspired to stand up and embrace my own cheerful 'suckiness'. Critics be damned!
Posted by: gigi | April 24, 2006 03:34 PM
You're so right about this. There are exactly 3 people (I've counted) in my large circle of acquaintances and friends who can generously keep the conversation on my topics for several whole minutes instead of instantly switching the topic to themselves. They're the 3 friends I value the most!
Posted by: Nita | April 24, 2006 05:09 PM
The podcasts are wonderful...however I went to tom kane's website and he's redoing it, so I was disappointed not to be able to see some of his wonderful work...any idea when the site will be up again?
Posted by: bobbi | April 24, 2006 05:47 PM
Second of the 4 agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. I've been keeping this in mind whenever anyone seems critical and it keeps me level headed about it. It also helps that I'm closer to the age where "you realize they weren't thinking of you at all". Keep on truckin'
Posted by: Andy | April 25, 2006 10:20 AM
i quickly skimmed your article until i came to the part at the end about a monsterously long conversation with new york artist ME. me me me. Now that, i found interesting. me.
Posted by: Tommy Kane | April 25, 2006 02:33 PM
Hi Danny! This was so funny! Count me among those who tends to steer the conversation toward ME. I think I do it to establish familiarity... so the person I'm speaking to doesn't feel like they're being interrogated (or that I'm being overly nosy) when I pose questions. A way to 'make conversation' or an effort to keep one going, when it stalls. But in the end, it really is about social ineptitude... guilty... but since I'm over 40, I really don't care. ;) Cheers, Adriane
Posted by: Adriane | April 25, 2006 11:12 PM
This is so insightful and so true. I've often thought of it more in terms of a corporate workplace (i.e. when a co-worker asks about you or how you are doing, the reality is, he doesn't REALLY want to know - he'd rather YOU asked HIM). However, now I can see that it's probably even more spot-on in an artist's "everyday" world.
Posted by: Janet | April 26, 2006 07:23 AM
Danny, thank you for writing this. You just put into words the very reason why I stopped drawing and writing...I was always so afaid of what other people would say that I finally convinced myself I wasn't good enough. The thing is, writing and art couldn't care less what other people say and they are inside me clawing to get out. Thank you for reminding me to let them come out to play. It tore me apart to hear that you question your own work - you are a huge part of the inspiration that made me release my creativity again. Your work is a treasure and it touches more lives than you will ever know.
Posted by: Molly | April 26, 2006 09:24 AM
What I found the most signifigance in, besides the entire thing, is the drawing in public. I'm always so afraid to draw in public b/c of the weird looks I might get. I'll try again sometime. Love your site and I love Creative Licence!
Posted by: Nichole | April 27, 2006 09:12 AM
I've been reminded that Georgia O'Keefe defined art this way:
"Art is not what you see, but what you make others see."
What a contrast with Danny's message to us!
Various people have tried to say what art is actually, and their conclusions are very varying and quite often antithetical. The purpose of these concepts, I believe, is to relieve our minds from the painful tensions that accumulate through our relationship with art. Because - art has no boundaries, but each of us, individuals, does. "Art is never finished, only abandoned."
Posted by: Ivan | April 28, 2006 04:06 AM
Hmmm.....all my life I have been known as the *individual.* The one who goes her own way and who cares what others think....and, for the most part, it was true. Then I had a change in careers and am now an artist....guess what. Yep...NOW I care.
teri
Posted by: teri | May 5, 2006 08:14 AM
I felt like I was reading about myself. I too care a lot about others opinions, but you've brought a wholly new perspective on that. Thanks!
Posted by: Lee | May 11, 2006 11:18 PM
For a relatively short time in my life I have been making an effort to be mindful of others during conversation. Just for the sake of the either the participant/s in the conversation or the folk we are discussing, out of simple concern for any of the aforementioned. I have never considered applying this mindfulness to my art, this manner of not interjecting my own external concerns into the conversation created by the act of creating. I think I'm feeling the chains fall off of my wrists again. Yikes. And SORRY, that's a bit self-'ish'-y again. But I don't really expect anyone to particularly take notice, I just need to "get it out there", as it were. Thanks for saying your bit. It means a huge lot to me, and clearly to a great number of others. Thanks for letting us all vent a bit about it, too!
Posted by: rebecca | June 1, 2006 04:28 PM