Hiatus
October 8, 2004
The western view from my southern balcony. Drawn at the end of a hard day.
In 1999, I started a job that consumed me. Consumed me like a boa consumes a bunny. Eventually my marriage, my parenthood, my health, my instinct for self preservation were all swallowed up like Laocoön. One of the first victims was drawing. It always seemed there were more important things to do with my time. My brain was constantly roiling with anxieties, pressures, plans, demands, ideas, schedules. So much of what I learned and chronicled in Everyday Matters was locked into a steel box and buried in the attic of my mind.
After four years, I mustered the strength to escape. And soon after, I thought of drawing again.
However, I found myself in a real Catch-22 bind. I was in the process of trying to reinvent my life, to reinforce the things that had mattered to me most in my life and also to push into new creative areas. But my fear of my own cramped and crippled state was holding me back from trying. My self-esteem was low, my faith in my own abilities depleted. At first, I was anxious to even pick up my pen. But I forced myself to try anyway. The fact that my book was coming out, a book that described a me I was afraid I wasn't any more, embarrassed me into trying.
Much to my relief, I found that I could still draw. Sure, I was a little cramped and my ability to concentrate, observe and relax were shaky, like an invalid rising from a long bed rest. But with a week or so, I started to feel like my old self again. Within a month or so, I was moving into new territory. Today, almost two years later, I see that my growth curve is back on track.
Fear is our greatest enemy. And yet it is a product of the very mind it binds. As such, it can be beaten by will — if the will is on the side of health and development.
I am never going to abandon drawing again. And even if I don't draw for a day, a week, a month or even a year, I know it is always there for me. I can go home again.
A record of my exploration into all aspects of drawing, illustrated journaling, creativity, and the inspiring aspects of art. By the author of "Everyday Matters," "The Creative License", and "An Illustrated Life" and other books.
Comments
hi - just got a look at your
glowing view and very thoughtful reflections.
thank you Sir Danny!
Posted by: blarneybytes | October 8, 2004 10:01 AM
Yes! Very uplifting post.
Posted by: penelope | October 8, 2004 10:06 AM
I feel the same way about painting~
I know it's always there, I can always pick up a brush, and I will... but it's also a discipline and something I have to decide one day to recommit to. I've gone back to it before, had terrible results and shied away for another six months or a year.
I guess we also need to give ourselves permission to go through the awkward phases..
Posted by: andrea | October 8, 2004 10:29 AM
Once again, you did a superb job of reminding us to stay aware of the possibilities and of our surroundings.Thank you for helping us to stay on track. Today's drawing was so interesting in its complexity. Perhaps I'll attempt to capture my own western view.......overcoming that fear and trepidation which you acknowledged.
Posted by: Jane | October 8, 2004 10:36 AM
One of the recurring themes from you and others at the list/cocktail party is 'discipline'. I so heartily believe this to be true. Just doing it, just drawing, just having a place set aside (or in my case set in the middle of everything else but there nonetheless), being determined that at some point in each day there will be time given to drawing/painting. In the past two years this is my biggest learning. I honestly can't see that my skills have developed to any great degree but the friend who knows my work best and who I respect the most to give an opinion, assures me that I have simply raised my own bar and I am continuing to develop. Thanks for letting me know that YOU (pretty high up on the pedestal) have misgivings and are torn and still just do it.
Dana
Posted by: dana jenkins | October 8, 2004 10:54 AM
Danny, your words always come at just the right time - thank you.
I also have say that your work is so lovely and well done. Your drawing skills just get better and better; you handle color really well and have quite a gift for composition - I'm always very impressed. Besides just "keeping at it", you're talented as well and make things that are distinctly "Danny."
So there!
Posted by: Carol | October 8, 2004 11:30 AM
*sniff..sniff*
Posted by: fern | October 8, 2004 02:09 PM
Personally, after abandoning drawing for 25 years (or was that just hibernation) I too will not abandon it again. Drawing = discovery.
Posted by: Detlef | October 9, 2004 12:33 AM
Thankyou for this post! It resonates with so much happening with me...i abandoned my creative abilities for a whole lot of paperpushing...and trying to come back to it after three years is truly difficult.
"...like an invalid rising..." is such a perfect description!
Posted by: chiaroscuro | October 9, 2004 02:36 AM
Your blog inspired me to pick up pen and brush wholeheartedly after a 9 year "exile" from art.
..I was suddenly elated, enthused and transformed by drawing everyday. Bliss in drawing. I wasn't sure I'd ever get it back.
Over this year I have found myself slipping back into the state of denying myself the "time and effort" to draw ..sometimes I had legit reasons, but lately, it's only been myself stopping the process. I'm ready to stop making excuses.
This post sings to me because it makes me want to find the peace that comes from expressing myself, yet it reassures me that I need not feel guilty for sometimes needing a real break.
I know I am ready to start with the discipline again, no matter how small. I know that I really do WANT to draw. And that I will.
Thank you once more.
Posted by: Amy | October 11, 2004 07:46 AM
Danny,
I too am at a crossroad. I however, do not draw. That talent went to my sisters. Sigh...
I will, however, be leaving a job that has drained me for five years. Why do it for five years? Because they kept saying it would change. It hasn't. So I will now venture forth into the darkness and grasp on to that which is calling. My husband is not so sure the loss of income will be worth it. I am sure it will.
Thanks.
Posted by: cooper | October 20, 2004 02:19 PM
I feel the same way about writing and designing things. There seems to be a cycle of life where we reach out creatively and attract those who want to pay us for doing things that they need.
Our involvement with these people becomes more and more time consuming and we soon find ourselves in a situation where our creativity is restricted and constrained until we are merely filling in the details of someone elses vision. The money seems good at first, but the end result is a loss of independence and of creativity.
Striking a balance between personal creativity and cranking out pedestrian work to pay the rent is a problem that has been faced by every artist in history.
I am glad to see that you are dealing with it successfully.
Posted by: David St Lawrence | October 21, 2004 05:54 AM